Remember those questions, I posed at the end of the post titled, Week 2? Well in Week 3, I got a little closer and by a "little closer" I mean like one really slow baby turtle step close ;-) Week 3 started off the same way as Week 2. I was still in a frumpy mood and didn't feel any closer to getting back to my spiritual path. I still wasn't doing my sadhana, no praying, no mantras, no yoga. No nothing, not even thesis things either. To be honest, I felt more distant and further away from everything that truly used to direct my every move, thought, action and dream. I was more confused than ever and really needed some guidance. I decided to write a letter to my spiritual guide which he responded to with a phone call. I was not expecting it AT ALL. I was actually kind of scared because I thought I was breaking some type of ascetic rule. My face lit when my phone rang and I saw it was him, but then that smile simultaneously faded as I had no idea what the conversation would unfold. That letter was the first time that I had been really open to my guru and I had no idea of how that letter would be taken, if at all. Even more so, I was worried that my fears would be confirmed, that the distanced I'm feeling is rightly placed and walking the spiritual path is not my journey. Needless to say, I was worried (I'm sure my other spiritual teacher would have said that was a great insight in and of itself). I asked my questions and he reassured me of many things, while also leaving me in the gray area for many others. When the conversation ended, I felt better, but questions still lingered and new ones arose. I decided to do my best to just let the conversation be and recall the definitive statements and answers he said to me and not think about the gray areas.
For the rest of the week, that worked and didn't worked at times, but I felt myself starting to go from frumpy to ok, when one morning I decided to call my other spiritual teachers, who in many ways was my first. She is also the disciple of my guru. We've always had this weird, instant connection from the day I met her in 2010 (a connection perhaps to be exposed much, much later in this blog). As a result, I've always felt I could be completely honest and open with her as if I were speaking to one of my best and closest friends. So I called early one morning, half expecting that she would be busy and not answer, but lo and behold she did. We talked for quite a long time about many things which she gave me...not just good advice or even very good advice, but the right kind of advice...you know that kind that makes you go "you sure are right" or "aha" upon hearing it. Like it just clicks for you, no matter how hard it is to hear it. These are the moments I had on the phone. I explained to her the negative emotions, feelings and thoughts I was having towards people, those that I was in conflict with and those that have and would only treat me with love and kindness, people who would probably support me and try to uplift my spirits. I also informed of her of the accompanying shame towards myself of my feelings of jealousy and pride towards those very same people who would do nothing but love me (some of which I have never even met). Her words comforted me in that she stated that this was a good thing in many ways, that I was not personally jealousy or mad or vindictive towards good people, but rather the emotions are coming out of me to be dealt with. I still felt and feel bad about having those emotions, but I feel better in knowing that this is a part of the spiritual path. Emotions come out in different ways and forms for different people. And this is just my way. These emotions are here and they can't be erased with a magical eraser, rather they have to come to the surface to realize and recognize that they are there and be dealt with in a constructive way centered around awareness.
I automatically started thinking of how I could deal with them. When I simply asked her how. When she said you must get to the root of them. This is what my guide says as well. But I wondered how do you get to the root of them without forcing things? Without stopping bad thoughts and so on? Awareness was the key. You let the thoughts play but you do not engage with them and allow them to carry you off somewhere (she said more elegantly, but hopefully you get the picture). You become aware of the stream and how the stream starts flowing without stopping it. This way you not only come to understand the entire process, but you allow the negative emotions to flow out of you and because you know how the entire process works, you will know when the process is starting again and then can you become aware and do what is necessary to not allow the process to go any further. But to begin this tranformative process, I have to let go and surrender to the emotions that I'm feeling and recognize that they are there, but they are not Me. So that's what I'm doing or at least doing my best to do. I'm trying my best to surrender, to give in to what's inside me and just be an observer, no matter what ugliness may come up. I have to accept that it is there and it's ok. It's part of the process...
I also told her about the confusion and the distance and my inactivity on the spiritual path. I asked her the same or similar questions I posed at the end of the Week 2 post. She confirmed that nothing in life and on the spiritual path should be forced. And yet, one must recognize the difference between force and action. She stated that laziness, inaction as a result of not doing something even though one wants too, is a form of karma. If one is attempting to do something that they feel an allergic-like reaction to almost like complete and other repulsion and revulsion, than that is force. This makes sense to me. And clears many things up. I don't feel like praying and mantras and yoga are my personal allergies. When I actually muster enough will power and agency to actually get on my mat or go into my spiritual corner area, I love being there, I want to be there. It's getting there that has been the issue. Laziness is my issue and as it is a form of karma, I can overcome it, simply and yet so tough. The only way to overcome laziness karma is to act. I have to do it, no matter what. It is the only way. Seeing as though this is laziness, its not forcing myself to do anything, its overcoming a high level of inaction and replacing with the proper activeness which is required on the spiritual path....
After that conversation, I resigned myself to do better. I felt like I now had the necessary tools to go forward with this challenge and do better. I wanted to do better. And my week got a little more active. I did my asana sessions and I prayed and recited mantras. I even began journaling again. It's now Saturday and I feel good about moving forward now knowing what to do and what's going on with me. I'm finally...slowly...gradually...turtle-like slowly beginning to learn acceptance, letting go and true surrender...
I wonder what's in store for Week 4?!?!?!...
For the rest of the week, that worked and didn't worked at times, but I felt myself starting to go from frumpy to ok, when one morning I decided to call my other spiritual teachers, who in many ways was my first. She is also the disciple of my guru. We've always had this weird, instant connection from the day I met her in 2010 (a connection perhaps to be exposed much, much later in this blog). As a result, I've always felt I could be completely honest and open with her as if I were speaking to one of my best and closest friends. So I called early one morning, half expecting that she would be busy and not answer, but lo and behold she did. We talked for quite a long time about many things which she gave me...not just good advice or even very good advice, but the right kind of advice...you know that kind that makes you go "you sure are right" or "aha" upon hearing it. Like it just clicks for you, no matter how hard it is to hear it. These are the moments I had on the phone. I explained to her the negative emotions, feelings and thoughts I was having towards people, those that I was in conflict with and those that have and would only treat me with love and kindness, people who would probably support me and try to uplift my spirits. I also informed of her of the accompanying shame towards myself of my feelings of jealousy and pride towards those very same people who would do nothing but love me (some of which I have never even met). Her words comforted me in that she stated that this was a good thing in many ways, that I was not personally jealousy or mad or vindictive towards good people, but rather the emotions are coming out of me to be dealt with. I still felt and feel bad about having those emotions, but I feel better in knowing that this is a part of the spiritual path. Emotions come out in different ways and forms for different people. And this is just my way. These emotions are here and they can't be erased with a magical eraser, rather they have to come to the surface to realize and recognize that they are there and be dealt with in a constructive way centered around awareness.
I automatically started thinking of how I could deal with them. When I simply asked her how. When she said you must get to the root of them. This is what my guide says as well. But I wondered how do you get to the root of them without forcing things? Without stopping bad thoughts and so on? Awareness was the key. You let the thoughts play but you do not engage with them and allow them to carry you off somewhere (she said more elegantly, but hopefully you get the picture). You become aware of the stream and how the stream starts flowing without stopping it. This way you not only come to understand the entire process, but you allow the negative emotions to flow out of you and because you know how the entire process works, you will know when the process is starting again and then can you become aware and do what is necessary to not allow the process to go any further. But to begin this tranformative process, I have to let go and surrender to the emotions that I'm feeling and recognize that they are there, but they are not Me. So that's what I'm doing or at least doing my best to do. I'm trying my best to surrender, to give in to what's inside me and just be an observer, no matter what ugliness may come up. I have to accept that it is there and it's ok. It's part of the process...
I also told her about the confusion and the distance and my inactivity on the spiritual path. I asked her the same or similar questions I posed at the end of the Week 2 post. She confirmed that nothing in life and on the spiritual path should be forced. And yet, one must recognize the difference between force and action. She stated that laziness, inaction as a result of not doing something even though one wants too, is a form of karma. If one is attempting to do something that they feel an allergic-like reaction to almost like complete and other repulsion and revulsion, than that is force. This makes sense to me. And clears many things up. I don't feel like praying and mantras and yoga are my personal allergies. When I actually muster enough will power and agency to actually get on my mat or go into my spiritual corner area, I love being there, I want to be there. It's getting there that has been the issue. Laziness is my issue and as it is a form of karma, I can overcome it, simply and yet so tough. The only way to overcome laziness karma is to act. I have to do it, no matter what. It is the only way. Seeing as though this is laziness, its not forcing myself to do anything, its overcoming a high level of inaction and replacing with the proper activeness which is required on the spiritual path....
After that conversation, I resigned myself to do better. I felt like I now had the necessary tools to go forward with this challenge and do better. I wanted to do better. And my week got a little more active. I did my asana sessions and I prayed and recited mantras. I even began journaling again. It's now Saturday and I feel good about moving forward now knowing what to do and what's going on with me. I'm finally...slowly...gradually...turtle-like slowly beginning to learn acceptance, letting go and true surrender...
I wonder what's in store for Week 4?!?!?!...
