So much has happened during this first week of my 30-100 Days Challenge. I have cried and recited mantras so deeply. Slowly and little by little I can feel my desire to walk the spiritual path increasing. Most importantly, little slivers of light on what I must do have been revealed to me. I have unresolved conflicts in my life with others that must be resolved and despite what my ego so desperately wants I know one day, at least for one of them, I will have to be the one to resolve it. I've had hard realizations about who I am, like really who I am, bad and ugly...mostly ugly. And that's been hard for me to take in. I've realized that part of the many negative emotions I feel are a result of my own ignorant actions. It makes me sad in many ways, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel right. I realized that I've grown and changed so much when despite the initial realizations about my "true" self instead of reverting back to my old ways and wallowing in self-pity or thinking that I'm too far down the dark hole to climb up, I resigned myself to change and take a risk. Now nothing major, but instead of becoming more of a recluse/hermit and anti-social being that I've always been, I decided to reach out and attempt to speak to individuals I haven't in a long time as well as open up even more to those that are currently in my life. This is huge for me, especially for those who don't know me. I don't let people in and those who are had to work unnecessarily hard to do so. Even then, I haven't let them completely in. This has only been to my detriment because there are some really AMAZING people in my life who I so desperately need in their entirety right now. I have to let them. I have to take the risk that no matter what happens, if they are meant to be here they will stay, I have to let go of my fear of being alone because this fear has already made me lonely. This scares me...almost to death. Because I don't want to be alone. It's not good to be alone. By alone, I don't mean physically by yourself, but I mean to be disconnected from others. That is the true definition of loneliness (I got this from an article I just read so its pretty legit ;-). To be lonely is to have this constant feeling of disconnection or superficial connection to others. This perfectly explains how people who have the armies of people around them feel as though they are the only person in the room and how others who may only have a handful of people in their lives are fulfilled and constantly feel at home. Loneliness is the lack of real connections with others. That's what's going on with me and its only my fault. Even sharing this about myself is a risk, but I do so because I want to change, I want to be happy, but I also want to share with others. So if someone who is just like me is reading this, they, too, may take the step to changing their lives as well.
But on a more positive note, this week has been good for me in so many ways and I can't wait to keep going. I actually want to keep going. I have been reminded of why I started walking the spiritual path in the first place, to experience God's love. For the past few months, I have allowed myself to fall, fall back into a mentality of doing whatever to please men. Not that I have done anything drastic, but I have felt and been aware of how my thought process is descending into an abyss of dependency. It all came to a head as I was trying to help one of my closest friends whose friend was similar to me. I've been single for a very long time. At first it wasn't too bad because I was so busy and then after a few years of non-starters and periods of absolutely no one, it started to take a toll. Then I was floating on a spiritual high for quite a while and I had no care in the world to be with anyone, I just wanted God. But that high subsided, thought I had someone, epic fail and then thought I found someone else and that's when I could feel myself slipping. Slipping into someone who is becoming more and more concerned with superficial, just to keep someone interested in me. During my devotional times this week consisting of prayers and mantras, I realized that my desire to have someone be interested in me so much is because there is a void in my life. A void missing certain forms of love. I say certain forms, because I do have love in my life. Unconditional love stemming from my amazing and beautiful parents. If I didn't have the love they give me on a daily basis, at times when I so need it and they don't even know it, I have no idea where I would be. Due to Love's immensity and vastness, one humanly type cannot suffice. You need multiple forms. The only way not to be dependent on multiple forms of human love is to bask in the fullness of love which is God's love. With this realization, I realized or at least I believe I've realized (let's be honest my Soul/God radar is completely out of whack these days) that my spiritual path is one of love and devotion. God's love is what started me on the path in the first place, it only makes sense that it is the only thing that will both renew me and keep me walking. It is my goal, it is passion...to experience God's love, learn how to love others the way God does and show others how to do the same. My path is one many Indians call bhakti, a path of love, devotion and selfless service to God.
This week has been beautiful and ugly, but all working towards a greater good....a better ME...I wonder what the following weeks will have in store...
*Oh and on a logistical note, I have kept to my plan for the first week with the exception of one day...Pretty good I think ;-)
But on a more positive note, this week has been good for me in so many ways and I can't wait to keep going. I actually want to keep going. I have been reminded of why I started walking the spiritual path in the first place, to experience God's love. For the past few months, I have allowed myself to fall, fall back into a mentality of doing whatever to please men. Not that I have done anything drastic, but I have felt and been aware of how my thought process is descending into an abyss of dependency. It all came to a head as I was trying to help one of my closest friends whose friend was similar to me. I've been single for a very long time. At first it wasn't too bad because I was so busy and then after a few years of non-starters and periods of absolutely no one, it started to take a toll. Then I was floating on a spiritual high for quite a while and I had no care in the world to be with anyone, I just wanted God. But that high subsided, thought I had someone, epic fail and then thought I found someone else and that's when I could feel myself slipping. Slipping into someone who is becoming more and more concerned with superficial, just to keep someone interested in me. During my devotional times this week consisting of prayers and mantras, I realized that my desire to have someone be interested in me so much is because there is a void in my life. A void missing certain forms of love. I say certain forms, because I do have love in my life. Unconditional love stemming from my amazing and beautiful parents. If I didn't have the love they give me on a daily basis, at times when I so need it and they don't even know it, I have no idea where I would be. Due to Love's immensity and vastness, one humanly type cannot suffice. You need multiple forms. The only way not to be dependent on multiple forms of human love is to bask in the fullness of love which is God's love. With this realization, I realized or at least I believe I've realized (let's be honest my Soul/God radar is completely out of whack these days) that my spiritual path is one of love and devotion. God's love is what started me on the path in the first place, it only makes sense that it is the only thing that will both renew me and keep me walking. It is my goal, it is passion...to experience God's love, learn how to love others the way God does and show others how to do the same. My path is one many Indians call bhakti, a path of love, devotion and selfless service to God.
This week has been beautiful and ugly, but all working towards a greater good....a better ME...I wonder what the following weeks will have in store...
*Oh and on a logistical note, I have kept to my plan for the first week with the exception of one day...Pretty good I think ;-)
